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Please, G-d, give me peace

I cannot think of anything I've done in my 72-plus years on Earth that has truly paid for my keep and made me worth it to have around. Maybe you have, but something prevents me from being aware of any worth, any value to others and to G-d within myself. I may have done some things that helped others in some way, but never enough. I never had a productive nor a lucrative career. I am deep in egregious amounts of monetary debt. I have never served in the American military, fighting to preserve the many freedoms I have enjoyed in life. What is the right thing to do when you realize that by leaving life you can at least keep your debts -- financial, spiritual -- from ever increasing? That you can never be on the right side of life's ledger no matter what you do? That's all life can be to someone like me: either paying my debts and my keep or not. Until I was 29 or so, the only person who cared about me was my fiance, Evans Haley -- and all he cared about my intelligence and worth was to tell me "You're like a goose: you wake up in a new world every day." I do have a few truly good friends now, but I've never been part of a family, have never had children, never been married, never had a real lover (Evans died before we could consummate our relationship). Life is just torture for me -- I do want to outlive my cat, who clearly loves and needs me, but once she is gone, there will be no reason to go on. And I can't stop hurting.

People have told me this is a "test." Of what? My capacity for masochism? My stupidity? It's no test. It's 72 years plus time in the womb of being useless, worthless, and always in fear, in pain. I am so sick of it -- but I'm even sicker of being told, brightly, "G-d LOVES you! He just wants to test you to see if you're worthy!" (That sort of thing always comes out of the blue, exactly when I don't need it.)

Please, G-d, either provide a way for me to truly pay my debts rather than just suffer; put me together with someone who will fall deeply in love with me, who I will love just as deeply; to use the gifts of intellect and other things as You intended, so that I don't go to waste; or let me cease to exist once my cat is gone. I don't know why you have been punishing me like this all my life, but I think it's time for it to end. I've never been confronted with any charges that would have justified it; never been allowed to confront my accusers; never had competent and ethical legal representation in Your court to defend me against whatever charges there are against me. This is truly cruel and unusual punishment, and should not be. Whatever I am guilty of, let it go, let me be not, keep me from suffering any longer, for my suffering serves no good purpose, helps no one, keeps me from my paying my debts and fulfilling my obligations, and does no good whatsoever. Otherwise how am I to believe that You are good, righteous, and just? Please either let me have a life worth living in whatever remains of my time on Earth, or let me have the peace of oblivion. Please.


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Yael Dragwyla

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