When Milwaukee's Donald Knuth first presented his revolutionary system of weights and measures to the members of the Wisconsin Academy of Science, Arts, and Letters, they were astounded...mainly because Donald also has two heads. All kidding aside, Donald's system won first prize as the "most original presentation". So far, the system has been adopted in Tierra del Fuego, Afghanistan, and Southern Rhodesia. The U.N. is considering it for world adoption.

This new system of measuring, which is destined to become the measuring system of the future, has decided improvements over the other systems now in use. It is based upon measurements taken 6-9-12 [sic] at the Physics Lab. of Milwaukee Lutheran High School, in Milwaukee, Wis., when the thickness of MAD Magazine #26 was determined to be 2.263348517438173216473 mm. This length is the basis

for the entire system, and is called one potrzebie of length.

The Potrzebie has also been standardized at 3515.3502 wave lengths of the red line in the spectrum of cadmium. A partial table of the Potrzebie System, the measuring system of the future, is given.

LENGTH

1 potrzebie = thickness of MAD #26

.00000 p = 1 farshimmelt potrzebie (fp)

1000 fp = 1 millipotrzebie (mp)

10 mp = 1 centipotrzebie (cp)

10 cp = 1 decipotrzebie (dp)

10 dp = 1 potrzebie (p)

10 p = 1 dekapotrzebie (Dp)

10 Dp = 1 hectopotrzebie (Hp)

10 Hp = 1 kilopotrzebie (Kp) 1000 Kp = 1 furshlugginer potrzebie (Fp)

VOLUME

1 cubic dekapotrzebie = 1 ngogn (n)

.000001 n = 1 farshimmelt ngogn (fn)

1000 fn = 1 millingogn (mn)

10 mn = 1 centingogn (cn)

10 cn = 1 decingogn (dn)

10 dn = 1 ngogn (n)

10 n = 1 dekangogn (Dn)

10 Dn = 1 hectongogn (Hn)

10 Hn = 1 kilongogn (Kn)

1000 Kn = 1 furshlugginer ngogn (Fn)

MASS

1 ngogn of halavah* = 1 blintz (b)

.000001 b = 1 farshimmelt blintz (b) [sic]

1000 fb = 1 milliblintz (mb)

10 mb = 1 centiblintz (cb)

10 cb = 1 deciblintz (db)

10 db = 1 blintz (b)

10 b = 1 dekablintz (Db)

10 Db = 1 hectoblintz (Hb)

10 Hb = 1 kiloblintz (Kb)

1000 Kb = 1 furshlugginer blintz (Fb)

*Halavah is a form of pie, and it has a specific gravity of 3.1416 and a specific heat of .31416.

TIME

1 average rotation of the earth = 1 clarke (cl)

.00001 cl = 1 wolverton (wl)

1000 wl = 1 kovac (kv)

100 kov [sic] = 1 martin (mn)

100 mn = 1 wood (wd)

10 wd = 1 clarke (cl)

10 cl = 1 mingo (mi)

10 mi = 1 cowznofski (cow)

DATE

October 1, 1952 is the day MAD was first published according to the old calendar. On new calendar [sic], this is price 1 [sic] of cowznofski 1. Cowznofskis before this date are referred to as "Before MAD (B.M.)" and cowznofskis following this date are referred to as "Cowznofsko Madi (C.M.)" The calendar for each cowznofski contains 10 mingoes named as follows: 1. Tales (Tal.) 2. Calculated (Cal.) 3. To (To) 4. Drive (Dri.) 5. You (You) 6. Humor (Hum.) 7. In (In) 8. A (A) 9. Jugular (Jug.) 10. Vein (Vei.)

FORCE (absolute)

a force which, when acting upon 1 blintz of mass for 1 kovac, causes it to attain a velocity of 1 potrzebie per kovac = 1 blintzal (b-al).

1000000 b-al = 1 furshlugginer blintzal (Fb-al)

ENERGY AND WORK

1 blintzal-potrzebie = 1 hoo (h)

1000000 h = 1 hah (hh)

POWER

1 hah per kovac = 1 whatmeworry (WMW)

1000 WMW = 1 kilowhatmeworry (KWMW)

100 KWMW = 1 aeolipower (A.P)

RADIOACTIVITY

The quantity of radon which is in equilibrium with one blintz of radium = 1 hyme (how's your mom, ed)

HEAT ENERGY

The amount of heat necessary to raise one blintz of halavah 1 degree S = 1 vreeble (v.)

1000 v = 1 large vreeble (V)

TEMPERATURE

100 degrees Smurdley (S) = optimum temperature for eating halavah (27 degrees C)

COUNTING

48 things = 1 MAD

49 things = 1 baker's MAD

ANGULAR MEASURE

100 quircits ('''') = 1 zorch (''')

100 zorch (''') = 1 zygo (mark used in printing to designate "section")

100 zygo = 1 circle or circumference

BASIC CONVERSION

1 inch = 11.222 potrzebie

1 mile = .71105 Fur-potrzebie

1 blintz = 36.42538631 grams

1 kiloblintz = 80.3048 pounds

1 Fur-blintz = 36.425 metric tons

1 ngogn = 11.59455 cc = .0125 qts. = 2.3523 teaspoons

MISCELLANEOUS MEASUREMENTS

1 light Cowz. = 1.14 x 1012 Fp.

1 vreeble = 574.8 hah

1 cosmo per sq. potrzebie = 3.1416 bumbles.

1 faraday = 122300 blobs/blintz equivalent weight

1 electron-ech = 5.5794 x 1016 hoo

1 blintz molecular wt. of a gas = 77.4 Cn

Density of H2O = .31823 blintzes per ngogn (distilled water).

1 atmospheric pressure =1.4532 b^2/p 335.79 p of Hg.

1 b = 3234.4 b-al

gravity = 3234.4 p per kov. per kov.

speed of light = 114440 Fp/Kov.

FACTORS (ABBREVIATED TABLE)

1 potrzebie = 2.2633 millimeters = .089106 inches

1 Furshlugginer potrzebie = 2.2633 Klm. [sic] = 1.4064 miles

1 centimeter = 4.4182 potrzebie

1 kilometer = .44182 Fur-potrzebie

1 wood = 144 minutes

1 kovac = .864 seconds

1 year = 3.6524 Cowznofskis

1 watt = 3.499651 Whatmeworries

1 Horse Power = 2.57 Kilowhatmeworry

1 Aeolipower = 38.797 Horse Power.

1 vreeble = 34.330 calories

And check out the Potrzebie System of Weights and Measures on Google Calculator