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I'm sitting here with tears running down my cheeks as I type. I'm 72 years old, and for 69 of those years I have hated myself with a passion -- for reasons unknown. I'm revolted at and disgusted by myself as I am at a given time, but not when I was younger. It's always been that way. Lately, the rest of me has begged me to stop hating myself and to treat myself better, with more respect and even love. This isn't a New Ager thing: I'm sick of hating myself, especially because I don't know why, and I'd love to treat myself better -- but I can't do it! I've asked my psychologist about it; he says he knows of other cases of this, but all of those afflicted with this condition have had it start up when they are in their thirties or older. He didn't know of any therapy that could help with this.

The worst of it occurs when I have hiccups. I'll call myself "Bitch!" at each hiccup, and when it doesn't stop, I'll start hitting myself upside the head to try to make it stop, hating myself each time I do.

If any of you know anything about this condition, and any way it can be treated, please let me know! My email address is polaris93@aol.com, or, if you have my phone number, as some of you do, please give me a call in the evening, when I'm almost always home.

Thanks in advance, and G-d bless you, Yael Dragwyla

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Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
galadrion
Jul. 2nd, 2017 05:06 am (UTC)
This is way outside my skillset, but I'm passing this along to the only person I know who may have some insight. In the meantime, know that you aren't completely alone. There are some of us out here in the hall, listening and hoping you can reach out...
polaris93
Jul. 7th, 2017 02:36 am (UTC)
Thank you -- it's good to know there are people out there who care. This is one of the things that interrupts whatever the condition I have is doing to me, at least for a while. And thanks for the referral. <3 <3 <3
kestrelcat
Jul. 2nd, 2017 05:56 am (UTC)
Catching a referral from Galadrion
So I am going to share my experience with mental health and getting treatment.

I have C-PTSD. That's my primary diagnosis. The cause doesn't really matter here. When I am not doing well it presents as generalized anxiety and episodes of major depression. In fact, that was my initial diagnosis for the first few years I was in treatment and because of that mistake things weren't getting resolved and I wasn't getting help with the underlying issues causing my illness.

So long story short my coping skills eventually went to shite. As a result I keep getting caught in negative thought patterns. The old BS of my abusers and the way the trauma shaped my worldview. It was scary and exhausting to say the least.

It also sounds a lot like what you are describing. Related at least.

Eventually I had enough and I demanded a change. My counselor threw up her hands and referred me to the local hospital. So I went from straight traditional semi-medicated talk therapy to an intensive program of Cognative Behavioral Therapy pretty much over night.

I was doubtful they could do much but medicate my ass. Boy was I wrong. The differences in treatment were night and day. And that was because they used Cognative Behavioral Therapy. Unlike talk therapy, CBT is evidence based and that puts the patient in a larger position of control with their healing. It works well with depression, obsessive negative thought patterns, healing from trauma and managing anxiety. It has a fairly fast rate of success. And best of all it is ideal for people who are creative, bright and spend a lot of time thinking. Sound familiar? Basically the treatment teaches a combination of individualized self-care, mindfulness and evidence based talk therapy to help change negative thought patterns.

Most folks do an out patient program of group counseling and then are referred to a therapist for regular session over the long term. Mileage many vary though.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

That's a bit of information.

What you will need is to find a therapist or program that offers CBT and is trained in it. They are fairly common here in the PNW. Probably because we have a high rate of depression.

Anyway I have heard good things about: http://ebtseattle.com/anxietycenter.html
and
http://www.theseattleclinic.com/cbt/

You could also ask your psychologist about it
and maybe for a referral.

In the meantime I am hear to listen and answer questions.

K
polaris93
Jul. 7th, 2017 02:37 am (UTC)
Re: Catching a referral from Galadrion
Thank you. I'll ask my psychologist about this next week -- he may be able to do cognitive behavioral therapy himself. And G-d bless you for helping!
kestrelcat
Jul. 7th, 2017 03:23 am (UTC)
Re: Catching a referral from Galadrion
You are most welcome.

CBT is worth a try. If he can't ask for a referral.

In the meantime do some reading. There's a lot about it online.

That's the weird thing about mental health treatment. The field's kind muddled with choice on treatment options and modalities and its sort of a crap shoot if you get the right one for you. I think that's why folks average 3 to 5 therapists in the course of their treatment. It takes that long to find something/one that works.

Which is just crazy (pardon the pun).

Feel better.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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